we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize