I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
