Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
