this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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