i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
