i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
