I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
We need to get me chipped asap
I said "one day" and that day is not today
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
