she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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