fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
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