The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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