Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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