I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
