so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
