i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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