I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize