You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
