I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
