just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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