I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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