sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
