so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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