the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize