You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
