thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he was CRYING into my vagina
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
