Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
