A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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