IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
