Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
