Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
