I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
