I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
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