Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
