so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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