I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
