May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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