Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
