the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
