Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I think your dad took our porno
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
