If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
