Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
