it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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