Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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