I cannot find my penis.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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