i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
