wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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