is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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