First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
