i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
