one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
