cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
