She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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