please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize