im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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