You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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