i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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