So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
