she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
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